Guest Blog: Caregivers: Do You Need Help?

By Michelle Seitzer, SeniorsForLiving.com.

Michelle Seitzer spent 10 years filling various roles at assisted living communities in Pennsylvania and Maryland, then worked as a public policy coordinator for the Alzheimer’s Association in PA before settling down as a full-time freelance writer. Seitzer also served as a long-distance caregiver for her beloved grandfather, who died of complications from Alzheimer’s in 2009. She has blogged for SeniorsforLiving.com, which provides information on assisted living, home care, and Alzheimer’s care, since November 2008, and is the co-moderator of the first #ElderCareChat on Twitter, held every other Wednesday at 1pm EST. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

From our earliest years, we resist reaching out for help. When struggling with a task, “I can do it myself” is the confident retort that most toddlers give their parents or older siblings who attempt to assist them.

Some things never change.

As we grow, we move past shoe-tying and riding without training wheels to getting behind the wheel of a car, finding a job, dating, and other life changes that we’d rather conquer on our own, thank you very much. We want to do it ourselves.

To some extent, this strong sense of self-sufficiency is better than a skewed desire to have everything done for you, given to you without trial or an expectation of reciprocity. But there will come a time when help is needed, when we need to let go of our stubborn independence and reach out.

Caring for a senior family member or friend is one of those instances, a phase many baby boomers and adult children are currently facing. For many, the situations are overwhelming to the point where reaching out for help seems like more work than it is worth.

By now, the term “caregiver burnout” is probably a household term. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially what happens to people who say, “I can do it myself” for too long.

There is nothing easy about the physical and mental strain that accompanies taking care of your mother who has dementia, or your father who has COPD. Emotionally, there is nothing easy about seeing the ones you love, the ones who cared for you and raised you, in a weak and vulnerable state, suffering.

From endless doctor’s appointments to decisions about end-of-life care, caregiving for older adults is not an easy road. To be the best caregiver you can be and still take care of yourself and others who depend on you (children, spouses, etc.) in the process, there is no way around it: you will need help.

Consider these tips for making the task of asking for help easier:

1. Sometimes simply making family and friends aware of needs takes the burden of asking off you, as most will be willing to offer help in some way. To ensure that they will follow through, ask them how and when they would like to help, then mark it on your calendar.
2. If it is too difficult to ask people you know, or you don’t have family or friends in the area that can help, research home care or respite/short-term care options at a senior living community.
3. Before asking others to help, develop a list of tasks that you can delegate. That way, you can draw on the strengths and interests of those whom you approach, making them feel valued in their contributions to help. For example: “You are so good with Grandma when it comes to helping her write letters to her friends. Can you come and sit with her next Saturday and help her tackle her Christmas card list?” is much more effective than: “You never do anything to help me! Why can’t you just come and visit your grandmother once in a while?”
4. Be confident, clear and honest when speaking to your need for help. If you feel bad asking, it’s likely that the people you reach out to will feel obligated to assist instead of happy to help.

Also, check out the SeniorsForLiving.com Caregiving Resource Guide for helpful information tailored to those providing care for a senior loved one.